Cyndy's Celebration of Life Event

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 On the Friday night before the event, for the first time since she passed, I vocalized my guilt and remorse for not pushing mom harder to get medical care. Her symptoms were obvious, but she had always been open about her opposition to the hospital. She was an intelligent adult, coherent, and completely capable of knowing when her body was telling her to stop, or at least slow down. That was a simple lie that I told myself. It was an easy thought. The truth is that I knew full well that she had no idea when to stop. If she felt herself falling off pace, she would push harder to catch up and hope no one would notice. Which brings us to today. We know why we’re here. 

The past month has been a blur. Records and legal documents occupy our time while events like Thanksgiving and her birthday have crept upon us like court dates rather than celebrations. Tracking down documents calls for cleaning and organizing. While tedious, there have been highlights like finding old family pictures, birthday and Mother’s Day cards she cherished, and the occasional twenty-dollar bill. Then there are low points, like finding the statement “Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t have time for you” written in her hand in one of her long-forgotten calendars. Was that for me? 

At the top of many Christmas lists this year, is the chance to have that question answered. Some people will turn to spiritual mediums to try and get resolve. Mom was a believer in that ability, so maybe? I never was, but I recognize the peace that it gives many which is more beneficial than any condescending BS I would offer. After all, my coping mechanism of working myself into the ground is certainly no more helpful. In this case though, it did conjure the idea of incorporating the 4-H poster contest into the Celebration of Life gathering. Some maybe its slightly helpful? 

As I write this note, it is the eve of the event. We’ve rented the facility. We made the plan. We’ve worked together with each sibling contributing their best ability. Is it enough? Is it too much? Will there be too many people? Or worse, not enough attendees and the hall feels empty? Still too many things to do and not enough time. Is this her way? Would she have liked the poster idea?   

Tonight, I received my answer. Earlier this evening I was scouring my parents’ house for trophies to display at the gathering. I went in to their “back office” to look around. This room was my first “downstairs” bedroom, then it was Nash’s, and then it was turned into an office. When Nalyn moved into the room next door, she modified the adjoining doorway to this room, into a closet space. Went Niki took the adjoining room over, the makeshift closet was abandoned and left how it had been when Nalyn left. I had no knowledge of a trophy being in that room, nor was there any reason for me to think that I might find one there. The room has been disheveled for years with old tax records.  I went anyway. 

In the corner there was a slim bookshelf adorned with a few cobwebs. Behind the dust I noticed a few trophies, so I walked over to retrieve them. As I jostled the shelf trying to free the trophies, I noticed a poster board partially sticking out from behind. Thinking that we could use this board to fill space if not enough people show up, I pulled it out to find the images that you see before you. This poster was prepared by mom for an unknown reason and at an unknown point in time. Only one family member ever remembers seeing it in person and prior to tonight, no one remembered its existence.

Tonight, mom entered her poster into the contest. She is happy with what we’re doing. I’m not going to question it any further. Please leave your tears here and treat the rest of the afternoon as a true celebration of her life.